Life-The Divergent Highway
Life has been described in poetry and song as a road, journey, voyage, marathon, path, passage, course—all words used to indicate that in life you are traveling somewhere, usually with a destination in mind. As a sibling growing up with a brother who had a significant disability, my life’s destination has changed more times than I can count. This is not only because I am a sib, but also because I am a trauma survivor (which happened to be a direct result of being a sib). My destination usually included something related to trying to make sure my brother and parents were happy. I believed that was my responsibility.
I am now in the process of reclaiming my authentic self—the feisty little girl I was before my brother came into the world and our family dynamics permanently changed. I had to remember who I was born to be. Who I am at my core. What are my values? It’s not an easy process. It’s another piece of that journey, road, marathon we call life. As I had some new revelations about myself today, two things popped into my head: The song, “Life is a Highway,” by Tom Cochrane and the poem by Robert Frost entitled “The Road Not Taken.”
Just the title of Life is a Highway and the catchy tune make me feel energized, but in reading the lyrics I found a couple of sections that were very applicable to me as a trauma survivor.
“Sometimes you bend, sometimes you stand
Sometimes you turn your back to the wind
There's a world outside every darkened door
Where blues won't haunt you anymore
Where the brave are free and lovers soar
Come ride with me to the distant shore
We won't hesitate, break down the garden gate
There's not much time left today.” -Tom Cochrane
As sibs, we have always been the flexible ones. The ones who fit in so our sibling’s special needs could be met. We felt alone, sometimes depressed, sometimes angry. We were strong and brave, and we didn’t show our true feelings because we were trying to protect our families from more pain than they were already experiencing. (It wasn’t until we could become aware of our own individuality that we would be able to stop hesitating and break free of the secrets that prevented us from truly embracing life.) We felt shame and guilt, and didn't understand why, but we kept going.
“There's no load I can't hold
The roads are rough, this I know
I'll be there when the light comes in
Just tell 'em we're survivors.” -Tom Cochrane
Siblings of brothers and sisters with disabilities often carry the load in the family that others cannot. We are the strong ones. We are the survivors.
“There was a distance between you and I
A misunderstanding once
But now we look it in the eye.” -Tom Cochrane
Trauma often causes us to separate ourselves from others. This is how we protect ourselves from being hurt. It's a preemptive strike--if we don't get close, we can't be hurt. Or, if we hurt them first, they will leave and can't hurt us. Sibs often suffer a lifetime of relationship woes. When we come to understand the depth of our trauma and the walls that we built to protect ourselves, we begin to learn what we need to do to break down those barriers and connect with people again.
Then, as I thought of starting to connect with people, in addition to recognizing that I had protected myself from close relationships, I also remembered how I had grown up to be a people pleaser. I was the peacekeeper. While this was looked upon as an asset within the family, the price I paid for this was the loss of my own identity. I did not know myself. I was a chameleon. I could read a room and behave accordingly in any situation. I didn’t really know who I was or what I wanted from life. I struggled to make decisions because I weighed every decision based on what I perceived others might think, as though their opinions were more valuable than my own. Pondering on this brought the following verse to mind:
“Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;” -Robert Frost
Life is filled with decisions and oh, how I have agonized over most of them! In the brain of a trauma survivor even simple decisions can feel unsafe and scary, like making a decision will be the “end of the road.” As I have learned more about who I am as a person and what I really want out of life, I have become a more independent thinker. Decision making is still challenging at times, but it doesn’t hold the same level of worry about outside judgement as it did. I am forging my own path:
“Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,” -Robert Frost.
I know that I am not the first to travel this path as a sibling but I will travel it in my own way. I will be more vocal on not only on speaking my own truth, but also helping other siblings find theirs. And on my highway of life, that will make all the difference.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
From The Poetry of Robert Frost by Robert Frost, edited by Edward Connery Lathem. Copyright 1916, 1923, 1928, 1930, 1934, 1939, 1947, 1949, © 1969 by Holt Rinehart and Winston, Inc. Copyright 1936, 1942, 1944, 1945, 1947, 1948, 1951, 1953, 1954, © 1956, 1958, 1959, 1961, 1962 by Robert Frost. Copyright © 1962, 1967, 1970 by Leslie Frost Ballantine.
